Reflection, once more

And it will never stop.

I feel that everything around me moves so fast that I feel like I can’t breathe easily or actually breathe slowly (I enjoy breathing gives you peace =)). In other words, hati dalam tak tenang. I don’t want to blame my busyness.. that’s not right. For the busiest person on Earth can be the happiest, and the least busy and most relaxing person can easily enter into depression.

If it’s not my busyness, then what is it?

Upon reflecting my prac class with those 2nd year students this morning.. it didn’t turn out well. First of all, I was underprepared. I did my work, i.e. I did my readings, but that was not enough to actually overcome the sooooo many typos in the manual, and to clarify my confusion over the instructions. Rather than attempting to work my way out of the haze, I ignored it. The result was, unsurprisingly, confused and frustrated students. What’s more, my confused face wasn’t helping them. That made me really felt bad, because these kids deserve so much more. I felt evil. Zalim. Tak memberikan hak sepenuhnya kepada yang patut menerimanya =(

What also makes me nervous (hati tak tenang) is the fact that there will be a lab inspection in a few days, where some outside authority will conduct an annual inspection to ensure that the lab we’re working in is up to par with the national standard. Being the lab manager of course I am nervous. Dengan banyak benda yang kena amend.. how can I not be nervous. But again, I have not prepared fully for this, or lead people the way I should be. Hence, ketidaktenangan.

What’s more, this Friday I will face my review panel for my first annual review. For the first time, I will meet them and discuss my project, and this will determine whether or not I’m fit enough to continue my PhD. Goodness gracious. Can I do this?

On top of that, I just moved into a small place, and finallly let go of the old one. Things from the old place kept on adding into the new place and the last time I saw it, I felt that it was more like a garage store than an actual home. Lagi lah tidak tenang….. huhuhu I am trying my best to ignore this one because this should be very well a minor thing but still! argh!!! lemas lemas

So yes, I’m blurting what I’m currently facing because.. I want to find the real reason why I feel unease. Usually I would feel this if I don’t have a sense of control with what I’m doing. And this is probably why. Underpreparation. Lack of time management. Lack of prioritisation.

Allah dah berikan masa, gunakan dengan sebaiknya. To complain that there is not enough time would totally be rejected by me, especially if it’s coming from my very own mouth. If I really use the time that Allah give me the best that I can, there is no reason for me to feel uneaseĀ  because I really have tried my best.

The question is, have I?